a heartbroken guy talks about happiness

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action." - Benjamin Disraeli (taken from http://www.wisdomquotes.com/)



I am heartbroken. I am hurting. Allow me to rant, grieve, mourn, heal...



I choose to be happy. I will not allow something like a breakup to mess me up. Not this time. The last two breakups were hell, I have to admit. I know people see me as someone who is strong, independent, and sometimes even as someone who doesn't give a rat's ass. Like I just can't be hurt by something like a breakup. Truth is, I am very vulnerable. I wallow in self-misery after one. I begin to have self-esteem issues. Back then, after a breakup, I start to question everything: "Am I not goodlooking enough? Is it because i am not too smart enough? Is it my attitude?" See? Pathetic.



Don't get me wrong. It's not that I see myself now as someone who does not have his share in a breakup. It always takes two. Always. One may be more at fault, but bottom line, it's not entirely one person's fault. But now, I look at it from a "proactive" angle. I'll try to break down this last relationship into its very fibers and try to determine what went wrong, so to speak. What do I need to do next time?

Back to happiness. Earlier I said I choose to be happy. It's not easy, but it is doable. For me, it has to be the simple things that make me happy. Read a book. Write. Eat good food. Have good conversations with friends. Catch up with old acquaintances. Meet new people (not necessarily for romance, mind you).

Of course, I am only human. There are times (like the past couple of days) where it will really hit you. Hard. You hear something, and suddenly you're reminded. You see something, and suddenly you're back at a memory of something you two have shared. Sigh... I'm hanging in there. The fact that I can write about it is a big step for me. Plus, I have really good friends I can lean on if ever. I am touched at how sweet my friends can be - checking on me every once in a while, making sure I am ok. I should learn how to cherish and treausre them more, show them that I truly care for them.

I think this entry is non-cohesive. One thought is not connected after the next. See? Proof that I am still shaken and messed up about this breakup. Oh well...

Later I shall try to write something about the 7+ months that we have been together. Note that it is not my intention to kiss and tell, but I feel that it would be cathartic for me to do so.

later.

sounds family

déjà vu - n. 1 a: the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time b: a feeling that one has seen or heard something before; 2: something overly or unpleasantly familiar
- taken from Merriam-Webster Online (http://www.m-w.com/)



Suddenly, I am in an all-too-familiar situation. It was almost a year ago when I found myself in the same spot where I am at now. On one hand, I feel delighted: after all, it is so near, yet so far. On the other, it makes me sort of regret the fact that it has been a year (almost), if I had been more prudent then I would have been in a different spot now. But it's all good, bottom line is I am still grateful for the fact that I'm back here. Some people do not even get another chance.

i figured the next month or two would be a flurry of events. aside from the normal stuff that i do at work (which is a lot as it is), there would be assessments, interviews, presentations, postings, and even extra-curricular activites - planning for events, both social and socio-civic activities (this i truly miss the most). i cannot be more excited! i thrive on deadlines, buzzer-beaters and the like. of course, you still have to be prepared beforehand, but i operate best when things have to be done at a snap of a finger. i have been doing this since high school, and i just love the thrill of it.

busy, busy, busy! i am stressed, overworked and even underpaid. i always voice my dissatisfaction with the way things are. but bottom line, i still love what i do. otherwise i wouldn't have cared. forget about finding ways to improve things around here, right? but that's just not me. i'm always about making things better, easier, more efficient. i do care a lot, which is why i don't mind staying a couple of hours after work to make sure everything is processed and taken care of.

suddenly, the movie "The Devil Wears Prada" came to mind. There was this scene where Andrea went to the photo shoot where the art director was (played by Stanley Tucci, forgot his character name, sorry). She was saying that her relationship is kinda shaky. Then Stanley Tucci goes, "Let me know when your personal life is screwed over (or something to that effect), then it's time for a promotion."

ha. i could not agree with him more, especially in my current predicament.

an entry which i wrote way back in january

17 january 2007

Here's to getting started on tomorrow.

2007 has barely begun, and already so many things are unfolding. Sure, there are challenges facing me this early on, but if I'm not used to them by now, I probably never will be. The point is, I've already been through a lot, and the fact that I'm still here standing is a testament to my strength of character. Someone told me, "With respect comes a certain amount of fear." I have never forgotten that. Now, I'm beginning to see (and feel) the truth to that statement. Even the backstabbers admit that much to my face: people look up to me (then again, it could be just another one of their evil ploys to feed on my ego. I say fuck them). I must use this to my advantage while I still can. Very Prince-like (read: Macchiavelli), indeed.

So now, all I have to do is maintain consistency. Stick to the plan. MAKE a plan first, of course (hehehe). Continue to spread the love to those you hold dear. And to detractors, instill fear. play their game. master the art of war.

let's get it on.