sometimes it just gets to you

one would think that someone in my position would have nothing to feel blue about. true - i got a family that cares (however dysfunctional, hey they're family); i have real friends who have seen me through my shittiest and have still accepted me. i have a stable job in a company that (finally) recognised me for my efforts, talents, and hard work. yes, i got promoted to (middle) management. although technically, i havent assumed my post yet - it's just a matter of days. i get to sing in a choir - singing being one of the purest things i truly enjoy. i get to go to parties and events, in some cases even for free! i have books, reading has always been a passion. so what if i have like a dozen books in my shelf pending, waiting to be read? i'll get a chance to read them all. i get to eat good food: fine dining, street food, chocolates, coffee. life IS good. i thank my Maker that for the most part, i've been really lucky.

in spite of all these, all of a sudden it would just hit you. the smallest thing could act like a trigger, and everything would come flooding back in. this is one disadvantage of being connected almost 24/7. you have mobile phones, emails, social networking sites, etc. you are always just a click, a text away. so no matter how hard you try to steer away from something/someone, it becomes inevitable that your paths will meet. (cue in "It's All Coming Back" by Celine Dion)

it's crazy, really. it's been some time already. and for the most part, i have done very well. i have stuck to my professional plan of working hard and making sure i get to the next step. had this incident occured four, five years ago i definitely would have not made it. no, i would not have committed suicide. what i'm saying that back then, i would not be able to handle this sort of pressure and i would have caved in. several aspects of my life would have suffered big time. i am sure you get the picture.

this could be just a weather thing. seasonal affective disorder, as they call it. after all, the christmas season has already started (heck, it has started as soon as the -ber month kicked in! at least, this rings true in my country). we have been getting cool weather, which is really great. i dunno... i don't think the holidays are at fault here. after all, this season always makes me happy & warm inside. i always have something to look forward to during christmas: good food, the presents, etc. little things, really. so no, i take it this has nothing to do with the holidays.

sometimes, it just gets to you.

how i cope with my recent breakup.

the things i do to help me get over someone.


i am swamped with work. literally. as in there are things i should've accomplished a couple of weeks back which are still on my "Things To Do" list.


i willingly submitted myself to be the head of one company event which involves all the companies in our country. think 1000 heads (not that head, you pervert). think less than a month of preparation. think of how you're responsible for publicity of the event. the facet of an event where you are least exposed to (since i'm always in production, whether in front or behind the scenes). think working with people whom you just met, with different work schedules, and with different personalities. you haven't been given time to know each other in a more personal level. who has time for that, given the task at hand? trust me, i'm super excited.

assessment. i have recently undergone an assessment to be confirmed to the next level. a climb up the corporate ladder, so to speak. it was a long and tedious process: prior to actually undergoing the panel assessment, you have to submit your own document detailing all proof points to show that you have manifested a certain level of competence. there are 9 competencies in all, and trust me, it is no easy task. you really need to be obssessive-compulsive: do not erase any emails which you think would be beneficial later on. take not of everythin, as in DOCUMENT everything.

anyway, enough of that. the point is, i'm beginning to feel lonely again. sigh...

a heartbroken guy talks about happiness

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action." - Benjamin Disraeli (taken from http://www.wisdomquotes.com/)



I am heartbroken. I am hurting. Allow me to rant, grieve, mourn, heal...



I choose to be happy. I will not allow something like a breakup to mess me up. Not this time. The last two breakups were hell, I have to admit. I know people see me as someone who is strong, independent, and sometimes even as someone who doesn't give a rat's ass. Like I just can't be hurt by something like a breakup. Truth is, I am very vulnerable. I wallow in self-misery after one. I begin to have self-esteem issues. Back then, after a breakup, I start to question everything: "Am I not goodlooking enough? Is it because i am not too smart enough? Is it my attitude?" See? Pathetic.



Don't get me wrong. It's not that I see myself now as someone who does not have his share in a breakup. It always takes two. Always. One may be more at fault, but bottom line, it's not entirely one person's fault. But now, I look at it from a "proactive" angle. I'll try to break down this last relationship into its very fibers and try to determine what went wrong, so to speak. What do I need to do next time?

Back to happiness. Earlier I said I choose to be happy. It's not easy, but it is doable. For me, it has to be the simple things that make me happy. Read a book. Write. Eat good food. Have good conversations with friends. Catch up with old acquaintances. Meet new people (not necessarily for romance, mind you).

Of course, I am only human. There are times (like the past couple of days) where it will really hit you. Hard. You hear something, and suddenly you're reminded. You see something, and suddenly you're back at a memory of something you two have shared. Sigh... I'm hanging in there. The fact that I can write about it is a big step for me. Plus, I have really good friends I can lean on if ever. I am touched at how sweet my friends can be - checking on me every once in a while, making sure I am ok. I should learn how to cherish and treausre them more, show them that I truly care for them.

I think this entry is non-cohesive. One thought is not connected after the next. See? Proof that I am still shaken and messed up about this breakup. Oh well...

Later I shall try to write something about the 7+ months that we have been together. Note that it is not my intention to kiss and tell, but I feel that it would be cathartic for me to do so.

later.