a heartbroken guy talks about happiness

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action." - Benjamin Disraeli (taken from http://www.wisdomquotes.com/)



I am heartbroken. I am hurting. Allow me to rant, grieve, mourn, heal...



I choose to be happy. I will not allow something like a breakup to mess me up. Not this time. The last two breakups were hell, I have to admit. I know people see me as someone who is strong, independent, and sometimes even as someone who doesn't give a rat's ass. Like I just can't be hurt by something like a breakup. Truth is, I am very vulnerable. I wallow in self-misery after one. I begin to have self-esteem issues. Back then, after a breakup, I start to question everything: "Am I not goodlooking enough? Is it because i am not too smart enough? Is it my attitude?" See? Pathetic.



Don't get me wrong. It's not that I see myself now as someone who does not have his share in a breakup. It always takes two. Always. One may be more at fault, but bottom line, it's not entirely one person's fault. But now, I look at it from a "proactive" angle. I'll try to break down this last relationship into its very fibers and try to determine what went wrong, so to speak. What do I need to do next time?

Back to happiness. Earlier I said I choose to be happy. It's not easy, but it is doable. For me, it has to be the simple things that make me happy. Read a book. Write. Eat good food. Have good conversations with friends. Catch up with old acquaintances. Meet new people (not necessarily for romance, mind you).

Of course, I am only human. There are times (like the past couple of days) where it will really hit you. Hard. You hear something, and suddenly you're reminded. You see something, and suddenly you're back at a memory of something you two have shared. Sigh... I'm hanging in there. The fact that I can write about it is a big step for me. Plus, I have really good friends I can lean on if ever. I am touched at how sweet my friends can be - checking on me every once in a while, making sure I am ok. I should learn how to cherish and treausre them more, show them that I truly care for them.

I think this entry is non-cohesive. One thought is not connected after the next. See? Proof that I am still shaken and messed up about this breakup. Oh well...

Later I shall try to write something about the 7+ months that we have been together. Note that it is not my intention to kiss and tell, but I feel that it would be cathartic for me to do so.

later.